A Glimpse of My Weakness

Few months to go!

07:35

Just warning you, this gonna be a lengthy post. It just hits me real hard this few days on how much great blessings I have in my life. Me? all this time I was too busy for being paranoid over all big and little things, assuming things, scratching plans that I don’t write in papers. As I don’t have much time left, my mind is in such a rush subconscious state and umm I don’t know. It just make me to realize that I had so much regrets in my life and is doing my best to ignore them and to pretend that I don’t mind.

I wonder, where is the old me? The enthusiastic Mega Ultron Mira. Hey, I missed you. I missed me.

Most of the times, I always feels that I am not grateful enough, I keep on replaying my own-directed scene as it is a bad movies and feels that someday they will leave or I will have to leave. And me? I just cannot stop to be cautious. I just don’t feel that i’ve opened my heart enough to everything and everyone.

Me and my fiancé are doing so great, I cant believe how easy and smooth the process is. My parents good, his parents good. His changes, his humor, his concern, his patience, his willingness, his presence and all in one. And being a -Mira some point, I still think marriage is a gambling that tied both of us at the rod end. Shame little lamb.

It is just so hard for me to believe in people and I don’t know where is this wasteful annoyingly spirit come from.

I still thinks how incompetent I am compared to Alex and can he likes me that much? What if things get wrong in the middle of everything and we have to choose? Things are way too perfect right now, and perfect doesn’t exist. It must be wrong somewhere.

So those kinds of thoughts lingering me like ghost..

I am so happy yesterday, to see the face that I missed the most, dearly. He spoilt me so much like he always do and I’ll be like, you tak nak apa-apa ke? Kenapa kita beli barang I je, kenapa kita buat benda yang I nak je? Why are this human always give his best to makes me happy? Is –my happiness is seeing you happy- a real deal? The hangout that we had yesterday, i am holding my tears throughout the day. I don’t know what I did in my life till I deserve him. He did everything, he takes most burden, he gets into my world and enjoying every bits of it. He basically is doing all the hard things by himself and I asyik berlari ke sana ke sini like anak ayam.

I am sorry for not believing you all this time. I am sorry to thinks that marriages is a gambling. I am sorry for literally preparing my mind to get to leave or get ready if you leave. I am sorry to not love you good enough. I am sorry for being selfish and paranoid. I know all these things have nothing to do with you, it just war between myself. But I want you to know, how amazing you are, how grateful I am and I realized it now.

ILY.

A lot!

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We just crossed path

22:45

Salam hai omg lamanya tak jumpa semua, lamanya tak tulis aaark rindu hehe.

Harini nak tulis jugak tak kira what happen sebab ada benda nak bagitahu tapi tak boleh bagitahu direct. You guys percaya tak dalam hidup kita, akan ada orang yang sangaaaat jauh tapi istimewa. Jarang jumpa, takde direct contact yada yada yada tapi kita kisahkan orang tu. Kita pandang orang tu tinggi gila and kita percaya orang tu bulat-bulat dan oval-oval.

Sebab, aku ada :)

This people bila kau pandang je dorang, kau akan rasa assured sangat, rasa relieved sangat. Aku panggil orang-orang cantik sebab existance dorang sangat beautiful dalam hidup orang sekeliling dorang. Can i start to tell me areumdaun story?

Adalah seorang makhluk Allah ni yang like aku dah kenal since first year sebab selalu nampak dia dating kat kedai makan hahaha tapi tak pernah bertegur & masa tu tahu yang dia ni nakal & gila-gila je. Sampailah jumpa kat program tiba-tiba cerita lama ter-spilled dalam team and nama dia ada dlm tu. So aku like beranikan diri untuk tegur like basa-basi hahahaha, just nak bagitahu dia yang hey aku kenal kau weh :')

Time tu terbukak cerita habis semua and aku pun baru tahu la siapa yang memandai-mandai and kesian member ni sebab aku honestly macam aim dia hahaha. Then, we become good yang bermaksud, we become such a good and understanding friend walaupun gurau kasar tapi we rooted for each other professionally and supportively. Dia suka tolong orang, aku sangat admire kan ituu. Hebat hebat hebat serius tak tipu.

We keep on be supportive to each other tapi tak rapat pun ha gitulah. Till time tu, something happened and aku dalam ground state dah jadi bose einstein condensate gitu and time was hard gila. Down, down, down, down. Orang lain semua cakap benda yang hampir serupa, tapi dia lain. Since tu, dia selalu mention "kau kuat sangat", "kau perempuan sgt kuat", "aku tak pernah jumpa perempuan kuat macam kau". By this, dia tunjukkan like betapa percaya dia kat aku utk life aku sendiri. Like setiap kali ada peluang, sama ada time jumpa or at socmed, dia akan sebutkan perkara-perkara begitu kat aku.

Magicnya kata-kata tu, aku yang kelepet rasa macam semangat dah kena lenyek terus bersemangat waja and nampak harapan. Sebab tu aku kata akan ada few people yg akan crossed path dengan kau tak lama pun, tapi cukup utk mengajar kau dan beri inspirasi.

Harini, setelah almost setahun tak jumpa, dia lah orang yang tolong aku and ayat dia still memberi rasa assuring untuk aku. Nasihat-nasihat dia serius kadang buat aku nak nangis padahal ayat pendek je.

Semoga murah rezeki dan dipermudah urusan weh. Kau mungkin tak tahu, tapi aku sangat bersyukur dapat kenal orang baik macam kau. Terima kasih atas kata-kata kau yang selalu relaxkan aku.

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My Engagement

14:21

Salam. Alhamdulillah selamat sudah majlis. I'm blessed and everything just okay.

But still, i chose to write up a bit untuk kenangan di lain hari ecewah. First, bila khabar angin pasal bertunang ni datang, i was like ummmm sebab memang perancangan since kecik lagi (lols) memang toksey bertunang ni sebab i personally felt membazir and tak perlu bermajlis.

But (again) ibu ayah sangat suka bermajlis and kalau buat tu memang besar-besar and remeh. I know them very well, that thought pun boleh buat saya sakit kepala ya amat. We don't have much hands honestly, ibu ayah cik azlin cik tini cik akma opah, alang and my fam macam opahsu and maksu. Tu je teamnya. Team family memang tak ramai but its fine, these people memang aku ingat jasa dorang and will I surely offer a hand utk apa2 yang dorang perlu. I owed them so much, moga Allah always lindungi this peoples, ameen.

Benda ni bergerak atas keinginan orang tua, thats all i can say. So masa awal-awal tu aku macam 'oh memang ada majlis bertunang?' & 'memang kena bertunang ke' & 'kalau malas boleh tak?' haha. For those yang kenal aku, aku memang tak amik port part adat. Most of them are just tak relevan. Mintak maaaf sangat, but lain orang lain cara dia. For me, setakat jumpa-jumpa family, makan-makan is enough tapi takpelah. I believe memang pasti ada barakah dia bila kita turuti permintaan orang tua. Plus, its not wrong pun untuk adakan majlis. Cuma aku memang suka benda yang mudah haha.

So, everything memang ibu ayah yang settlekan. Teringin maybe nak buat yang elok-elok and alhamdulillah, semua yang dorang handle, semua okay. Makan sedap, katering bagus, tempat elok. Syukur sangat rasa. Takpelah, nanti kakak bawak pi jalan-jalan hahaha.

Now it comes to services & products. Ok, banyak benda yang ber-servis & dalam bentuk product dlm majlis ni. We PAID them okay. We PAID you! Aku jenis yang tak suka pening kepala, kitorang sibuk, we have money to pay so we pay and expecting a good services & products tapi itulah, what can I say. Some people suka amik advantages and ambik ringan. We basically PAID you. Bukan aku suruh buat kerja amal doe. Aku bukan mintak harga murah. Aku tak tetap harga, aku tak cakap bajet, no. I want the best, so I paid for the best. Aku tak nego kaw-kaw pun because aku memang tak kan amik advantage atas orang lain. Bukan prinsip aku beb.

Camnilah, bila kita kerja, tu dah kira ibadah. Ok, tanak rephrase dalam term agama? Fine. Kerja tu tanggungjawab. Tanggungjawab pada CUSTOMER, SERVICES, PRODUCT blabla. Bila kerja like ala kadar, had gitu-gitu, means kau memang tak bertanggungjawab lah. Memang kerja kau utk lepas had kau lps tu kau dapat duit settle. Aku ni ha menanggung. Ada few services/products yang aku memang tak puas hati and I'm so sorry (dah aku pulak sorry).

Aku tanak sakitkan hati sesiapa and aku cerita ni memang utk pengajaran aku and orang lain yang akan datang. Kenapa tak cakap depan-depan? Sebab benda ni akan jadi tak sedap in the future, and aku tak minat nak berdrama. Kalau nak jugak, sila berdrama sorang-sorang. In the end, aku tak pilihan. Aku kena hadap jugak sendiri. Majlis sedang berjalan at that time. Allah knows how it felt inside.

Satu benda yang a bit petty to tell, ummmmmm ok. Aku takde siblings lelaki, tapi pakcik-pakcik aku takde pun yang nak tolong/datang jadi wakil, teman ayah. Tetiba aku dengar suara pakcik mat, cik azlin Allahu. May Allah bless them, ameen.

Yang mana datang, duduk-duduk and balik tetiba tapau makanan utk stok makan setahun pun itsss okayy hahahaha. If that is your rank itss okayyy. Walaupun benda ni jadi menyegankan for me, depan my friends, alex's fam and my jiran but what I can say? Menjerit-jerit mintak plastik dengan Ainaa, kalut nak bungkus makanan walhal my mom tengah salam-salam tetamu ni. In the end of the day, I looked back and I can't deny, kalau orang-orang ni tak datang, habis memang takde pun nampak meriah dari sebelah fam aku. Mampus aku. Tetamu are rezeki for us and will keep reminding myself.

Aku tak berniat utk spread hate ke apa, ini untuk peringatan hari-hari seterusnya. Juga untuk peringatan semua. Terima kasih atas segalanya. Terima kasih atas doa dan ucapan. Semoga kita diberkati sentiasa.

Assalamualaikum.

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