Just warning you, this gonna be a lengthy post. It just hits me real hard this few days on how much great blessings I have in my life. Me? all this time I was too busy for being paranoid over all big and little things, assuming things, scratching plans that I don’t write in papers. As I don’t have much time left, my mind is in such a rush subconscious state and umm I don’t know. It just make me to realize that I had so much regrets in my life and is doing my best to ignore them and to pretend that I don’t mind.

I wonder, where is the old me? The enthusiastic Mega Ultron Mira. Hey, I missed you. I missed me.

Most of the times, I always feels that I am not grateful enough, I keep on replaying my own-directed scene as it is a bad movies and feels that someday they will leave or I will have to leave. And me? I just cannot stop to be cautious. I just don’t feel that i’ve opened my heart enough to everything and everyone.

Me and my fiancé are doing so great, I cant believe how easy and smooth the process is. My parents good, his parents good. His changes, his humor, his concern, his patience, his willingness, his presence and all in one. And being a -Mira some point, I still think marriage is a gambling that tied both of us at the rod end. Shame little lamb.

It is just so hard for me to believe in people and I don’t know where is this wasteful annoyingly spirit come from.

I still thinks how incompetent I am compared to Alex and can he likes me that much? What if things get wrong in the middle of everything and we have to choose? Things are way too perfect right now, and perfect doesn’t exist. It must be wrong somewhere.

So those kinds of thoughts lingering me like ghost..

I am so happy yesterday, to see the face that I missed the most, dearly. He spoilt me so much like he always do and I’ll be like, you tak nak apa-apa ke? Kenapa kita beli barang I je, kenapa kita buat benda yang I nak je? Why are this human always give his best to makes me happy? Is –my happiness is seeing you happy- a real deal? The hangout that we had yesterday, i am holding my tears throughout the day. I don’t know what I did in my life till I deserve him. He did everything, he takes most burden, he gets into my world and enjoying every bits of it. He basically is doing all the hard things by himself and I asyik berlari ke sana ke sini like anak ayam.

I am sorry for not believing you all this time. I am sorry to thinks that marriages is a gambling. I am sorry for literally preparing my mind to get to leave or get ready if you leave. I am sorry to not love you good enough. I am sorry for being selfish and paranoid. I know all these things have nothing to do with you, it just war between myself. But I want you to know, how amazing you are, how grateful I am and I realized it now.

ILY.

A lot!