Fast forward, so many years after......

Fast forward, it's already 2023. Many years has passed. Things changed. Weather is really bad.

How are you?

After all these years, how life's done to you?

I'm ok.

I think I was.

I tried.

Every single day.

Smoke.

Things.

Fell.

It's 2023, I'm still trying ..... since 2007, 2008, 2019. It feels forever. 

Will this took forever?

Well,

I think I fucked up.

Ever terfikir tak yang how kita - roh berubah menjadi jasad yang tamak dan selfish once kita jadi manusia. Can we simply put, we changed because we're chosen to be a HUMAN? This lately i have deep thought on certain values/aspect in my own life that I've been lacking. Honestly, this is not the life I always dreamed of but I'm very happy and relieved to the fact that I choose this path.

Can i give you a honest question?
Do we ever really emphatically, honestly, sincerely care of someone? Their pain, their situation, their life. Do we really think hard about them, loving them? Or is it just an act of courtesy or maybe to make you feel less bad or to just merely console them to shut them up. Is it really possible to love someone even you have to give up on things that you like? Is that kind of person exist? Do you ready to give all of yours to someone you loved? Will you be okay and happy to lose everything? Can we love someone that deeply?

I did ask around and still have some unsettled feeling and thought in my mind. I asked Alex, will he sacrifices anything or everything for me and fondly looked at him watching him smile. It feels like I'm looking for something that I'm not sure of. Assurance? Reasons?

I don't know.
I just don't know.

To dearly, sincerely love someone is something somehow very deep to earn, connect and emphasize. Again, do we really care because we care them so much or because we felt responsible toward them? Is it responsibility? Do we afraid of other's judgement seeing us not doing our best to support somebody?

Are we just want to touch them with love and tender temporarily just to take credit without even go deep and ground?

I'm sorry but again do we sincerely care?

If someone's scream over something, do we rush to look over them? Can i do my judgement based on this silly situation?

we live different life, we were raised in different situation and circumstances. we experience different things, we get through important teen age differently. our life gets tough in a very different way. 

At least, I would tell this to myself for now to shut the voices all over my head and get a good sleep so I can treat life better tomorrow.

Its 3.16am now.

From one breakdown to another breakdown.