Serabut sangat hari aku pagi ini. Habis volunteering program malam semalam, patut nak siapkan assignment and study untuk re-test. Tapi kepenatan telah membasahi diri aku, zzzzzzzzzzap bangun pagi pukul 7.30. Ohmyyyyyyy.

Ok memang hari ahad memang takde kelas tapi hari ni ada kelas ganti. Then, kelas dua jam tu ramai yang kena present so I was thinking that I need to vote for them just like how they cheered for me. Huu sayang classmate woi. So, I mandi semua but memang dah lambat just lantak i don't care, asalkan aku datang.

Dah keluar bilik, gaya sesempoi mungkin, malas sangat mungkin. Lalu Meranti, terus perut aku meraung minta diisi. Aku hampir pengsan di tempat kejadian. Alang-alang dah lambat, biar jelah lambat ye dok hoho. Aku pun sepantas kilat menyambar pinggan and amik nasi gowengg (lelz). Menikmati sarapan berasap ditemani gerimis pagi, peh woha gila.

Teringat post aku pasal dua malam tu, aku bangun pagi ni aku tekad nak mulakan hidup seperti sediakala. Cool and egois (apakah? haha).  Biarkan dia, semoga mati dibawa angin derita. Tinggalkan cerita, lepaskan hati lihatlah dia gembira.

Tiba-tiba ............

"I'm not your two-night-flings"

Suapanku terhenti (cliche). Aku mana ingat suara dia, mana cam sangat muka dia. Haaaaaa kau suka dia tapi kau tak cam dia. Legend betul perangai. Aku nak berpaling tapi aku takut ucapan tu bukan untuk aku. Tapi tu kan ayat blog aku semalam. Aku buntu hahahaha nak berpaling ke tak nak.

"Belakang"

Takleh fikir apa dah, automatik pusing belakang. Tapi separuh pandang aku terlihat susuk tubuh tinggi lampai. Aku tahuuuu....




"Just stay, will you?"
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Assalamualaikum.

Pintu hati diketuk, hati yang mati seakan-akan malap dan kedinginan mula mengintai di jendela. Siapa gerangan. Oh, manusia. Biasa.

Aku juga manusia biasa. Biasalah.

Hadirnya berita gembira, menceriakan hari hari aku sentiasa mendung. Awan hitam dan kelabu juga sudah muak untuk memayungi aku. Lebatnya hujan dan rintik rintik yang sentiasa mahu menyakitkan dan menyejukkan aku hingga ke tulang hitam. Seakan sudah bosan melihat epilog kehidupan aku. Maafkan aku....

Hadirnya dia, baru hanya seketika, telah menerbangkan debu debu tebal yang telah menyelaputi ruang kosong yang tiada berpenghuni setelah sekian lama. Nyaman rasa jiwa. Baru aku sedar, sudah terlalu lama aku menyendiri, sudah terlalu lama aku memendam. Sunyi seakan sudah sebati.

Hadirnya dia, membawa satu perubahan rasa yang sangat ketara. Aku sangat sedar. Sangat takut. Eh, seronoknya rasa cinta?

Oh, baru kenal, baru jumpa tiba-tiba dah claim tu cinta? Ah, cliche zaman batu belah batu bertangkup; cinta itu buta.

Terbayang, berangan, impian lalu jadi cita-cita. Semarak api cinta yang sumbunya sudah lama kesejukkan. Hebat sungguh rasa. Dasar manusia.

Dalam satu malam, satu rangkai panjang perbualan di Whatsapp, cukup buat aku kata "zauj". Alahai, perempuan........hati lembut macam dadih lembik. Kesian.

Beza umur yang jauh, hanya tahu nama dan no telefon semata-mata. Dia seorang yang sibuk. Tak peduli pun sebenarnya pasal aku, haritu acah-acah je dah alang-alang free, main whatsapp lah kejap. Dia dah berada di lingkungan luar dari aku. Apa kau ingat takde perempuan lagi hebat dan cantik ke di dalam lingkungan hidup dia? Aku ni macam pasir je kat Danga Bay yang tengah tambak sekarang ni.

Aku sedar, aku tahu diri.

Aku tahu siapa aku.


Aku tahu aku ini tiada apa pun di mata kau.

Lalu aku angkat kaki, mengundur diri. Aku akan berhenti. Kau terlalu hebat, tak setara dengan aku yang loser ni. Terima kasih atas segala rasa. Hebat sungguh penangan cinta. Terima kasih sangat-sangat tau, buat aku rasa hidup untuk beberapa momen dalam hidup aku. Buat aku rasa, aku ini bukan penunggu mahupun penanggal di tepi jalan sebelah blok asrama kau. Thanks for making me feeling real.

Kau mungkin hanya my 2-days-fling. My two nights stand. Thanks for our two nights. Semoga malam ni bukan malam ketiga aku jatuh cinta pada kau.

ps: i love you, my 2-days-fling.

AS

I'm standing on a bridge
I'm waiting in the dark
I thought that you'd be here by now
There's nothing but the rain
No footsteps on the ground
I'm listening but there's no sound

Isn't anyone trying to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home?

It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Won't you take me by the hand?
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I... I'm with you
I'm with you

I'm looking for a place
I'm searching for a face
Is anybody here I know
'Cause nothing's going right
And everything's a mess
And no one likes to be alone

Isn't anyone trying to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home?

It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Won't you take me by the hand?
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I... I'm with you
I'm with you

Oh why is everything so confusing
Maybe I'm just out of my mind

It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Won't you take me by the hand?
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I... I'm with you
I'm with you

Take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I... I'm with you
I'm with you

I'm with you...

So that I have someone with me.
At least, someone.


Least.

Hidup. Betapa banyak warkah aku nukil mengenai hidup, aku masih lagi makhluk bewatak gagal. Antologi Gagalis pun aku gagal hewhew.

Jalan ragah yang tak pernah mudah. Sangka kau akan kebahagian atas bumi yang bolat ini. Mimpi kau tentang cinta yang masih belum pasti. Nafsu kau terhadap perkara yang tidak abadi. Kau terus mengejar kesempurnaan, hingga hilang nilai kemanusiaan sedikit demi sedikit.

Setan kiri kanan, gelakkan kau. Kesian.

Hati, fitrah tubuh yang paling complicated dan paling power (dari segi alami). Kau jangan nak berdebat pasal pentingnya otak dalam badan manusia blabla. Ingat aku tak belajar biologi? Heh. Hati ni special sebab fitrahnya yang berbolak-balik. Baru tadi kau cakap yang kau nak turun cafe pergi makan, tapi after 2 minit kau kata tetiba cam malas pulak. So kau terus tak pergi.

Anggota lain, kalau lapar pergi cari makanan, nak kencing, jalan pergi toilet, kalau mengantuk, tidur. Dorang tahu apa yang patut di buat. Hati?

Tak pernah fixed. Takkan pernah.

Semoga berbahagia.

.
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Dalam kepalsuan.

Aku ini pendengki sadis yang sedang menanggung kekalahan di medan perjuangan.
Tunggu hingga aku punya kekuatan, mencari semula kebahagian yang sebenar-benar kebahagian. Maafkan aku. Moga kau dari jauh tersenyum kesinisan.


Kerana
Akhirnya aku sendirian.
Dan penghujungnya,










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Aku sepi.

ps: aku masih menikmati serbuk milo dengan lahap sambil melihat lampu-lampu kemeriahan tanpa hening sesusuk pun manusia, mendengar lagu-lagu Kodaline, andai kau masih merindui.

Assalamualaikum. Hi.

Walaupun malam ni sarat sikit, well baru lepas tengok cerita Korea kat bilik Faz. Weirdly how i could quickly digest things macam falsafah kehidupan after tengok cerita Korea. Selalu sangat camtu. Macam sekarang nilah. Aku actually memang buat buta je, memang tahu tapi tak nak tahu yang aku dah tahu. Tulah, hidup. Aku nak cakap apa lagi.

Macam drama, tapi special sikit takdir yang Allah rancang, tulis khas untuk aku. Sweet kan?

Aku tak kisah, aku tak pernah peduli pun siapa yang nak datang dan pergi dari hidup aku. Kotorkan hidup aku? Memangnya aku begitu. Memang semua yang datang pasti akan pergi. Yang bermula pasti akan berakhir. Macam kau. Dan. Aku. Bila fikir balik, gosh memang kelakar gila. Memang semua benda akan jadi memori. Memori dicipta untuk dikenang. Kenangan wujud untuk dirasai bila semua kenangan dah tiada dalam genggaman kau. Tiada apa yang tinggal untuk dikenang selain kenangan. Sedih. Sakit. Apa? Nyatakan sahaja.

Betapa segala angan-angan jadi sampah tepi jalan. Konon cari ketenangan, sebenarnya kau mencari keping-keping hati kau yang berterabur tercicir di satu jalan panjang penuh cabang. Yang dia dah buang tanpa ada sikit pun rasa kasihan. Dia tak peduli pun. Dia dengan bangga kata, inilah kehidupan. Jodoh, ketentuan semua Allah yang tentukan.



Fuck off man.

I know that well. Very well. I'm not any kind of stupid girl. No and never. I'm not that desperate as ... you. I live and learn how to survive. You keep on your kononnya "brilliant-talk". Cakap meh kasi gegar satu dunia. Tapi sebenarnya kau sama je. Cerita macam gempak sangat, macam aku ni kudis takde iman.

Come on, teruskan bagi night wishes kat dia and tabur janji-janji palsu. Jangan lupa kasi ayat Quran pasal jodoh dan hadis pasal poligami. (I'm not making jokes or perlekeh, I'm saying what I expected from you)









Say goodbye and deal with it.

People generally perceive you as distant and reserved, and you do not usually reach out to others. You tend to feel overwhelmed by, and therefore actively avoid, large crowds. You often need privacy and time for yourself. You like to speak out, take charge, and direct the activities of others. You are usually the leader in group activities. You lead a fast-paced and busy life. You move about quickly, energetically, and vigorously and are involved in many activities. You love bright lights and hustle and bustle. You are likely to take risks and seek thrills. You are not prone to spells of energetic high spirits.

You are a moderately imaginative person who enjoys a good balance between the real world and fantasy. You are reasonably interested in the arts but are not totally absorbed by them. You tend not to express your emotions openly and are sometimes not even aware of your own feelings. Familiar routines are good, but sometimes you like to spice up your life with a bit of adventure or activity. As a person who is open-minded to new and unusual ideas, you love to play with and think about ideas. You also like to debate intellectual issues and often enjoy riddles, puzzles and brain teasers. Often you exhibit a readiness to challenge authority, convention, and traditional values. Sometimes you feel a certain degree of hostility toward rules and perhaps even enjoy ambiguity.

You generally see others as selfish, devious, and sometimes potentially dangerous. You believe that a certain amount of deception in social relationships is necessary. You are guarded in new relationships and less willing to openly reveal the whole truth about yourself. You do not particularly like helping other people. Requests for help feel like an imposition on your time. You are not adverse to confrontation and will sometimes even intimidate others to get your own way. You are willing to take credit for good things that you do but you don't often talk yourself up much. You are not affected strongly by human suffering, priding yourself on making objective judgements based on reason. You are more concerned with truth and impartial justice than with mercy.

Often you do not feel effective, and may have a sense that you are not in control of your life. You are well-organized and like to live according to routines and schedules. Often you will keep lists and make plans. You find contracts, rules, and regulations overly confining and are sometimes seen as unreliable or even irresponsible by others. Mostly you work towards achieving your best, although in some areas you are content just to get the job done. You have strong will-power and are able to overcome your reluctance to begin tasks. You are able to stay on track despite distractions. You are not an overly cautious person. You will think about alternatives and consequences but make up your mind fairly quickly.