These days,
I think a lot.

I'm tracing my life back then, looking for reasons, tons of reasons.
Of the shadow that grew with me until these days.

Then I started to slowly reveals part of history that I don't really want to remember. A part of me that I don't want to acknowledge as mine. It was me, no matter what happen. It was still me. Time passes but you is always you.

When I was in primary school, everything was bitter. Stupid rumors, I had to continuously lied, I was being bullied. Everyday is tiring, exhausting.

Every night, I went to sleep hoping that I don't exist in the world. Hoping that my soul did not bounded to this body. It felt so bad, I felt so sick, I felt like I wanna run away from my life at the age of 11.

Me being here maybe continuation of anger, hatred and frustrated. I want to do things that I want to, but it just simply my mindless wish.

I still remember what they did to me, every single thing. The memories are still there.

And its still hurts.
I remember, I wish at the end of the day someone would look at me, pat my head and told me that I did well that day.

The discrimination are really deadly serious. I'm just thankful that I don't run from house lol. I'm thankful for Allah for saving me until this day.

I have a worst childhood life. I wish its just bad dream. & now they telling me that I'm cold?
LITTLE DID I CARE.

In my future life, I will do things that I love. I will believe my heart once more, I will talk more, I will go further. I will watch tv a lot well, I started to watched tv these days and I feel good.

I will stop wishing. I will make it reality. Even though the worlds are against it, as long as I believe to myself.

So, in the end of the day its all back to the blessings.

I've been wandering like a ghost since few days ago, well KRP tetiba takde air without notice. I am sooo hanggggrrrrrry. Its crazy and I am so tired. Lucky to have Faz around, she let me ulang-alik to and fro her room for few days. Alhamdulillah, last night air dah start ada. But its really crazy,its around 2.30am, I almost about to tell Alex to just directly go to Faz's block, forget la all comforter blanket and so on plus I left my car in KTF. But still Alex persistent to have me take a check on my block. Dengan keterpaksaan, I went up (it was deadly silent, no one in my aras) and I opened the tap taaaaaaaaaaaaaaraaaaaaaaaa dah ada air.

Terharu like gila betul. Baru tadi teresak-esak menangis-nangis dalam kereta sebab takde air hahaha. Thankyou lah Alex yang penyabar dan baik hati. May Allah bless you.

Come into my upside down life, I started to feel something this lately......... I'm really sensitive to changes. I realized, this semester I started to dislike people around me. I started to bias when it start to choosing someone (esp: friends). Globally, everyone knows I am so piccccccky (LOLOLOL). I don't show my colours to just everyone. I started to dislike and I started to tell people that I disliked these some people. Apakah?

It is so unhealthy. It so weird of me to have so much time disliking someone. I feel reeeally dirty. Idk. Maybe because I'm in my holililiday so I don't do much works, I got so many times to think and use my brain sooooo I guess I have time to pick and judge people. That is why I think I should stop berTENANG-LENANG. I should aggresively work, find the thing that I REALLY WANT TO DO IN MY LIFE. GET BACK TO THE TRACK TO FIND MY DEEPEST PASSION. TO BECOME A REAAALLY PERSISTENT HUMAN.

It sounds so childish, but this semester alone i disliked 5 PEOPLES. What the hell is going on guys? Yes its normal to dislike some people, but it so ugly to avoid them a lot and feel annoyed. These fellas did not do anything lol. Pity life.

So I'm getting back in the track, be really busy with work. I wanna live a healthy life. I don't want a rotten heart. May the force be with me ,Bismillah:)

Assalamualaikum.

Hari yang kosong dan suram dan plain dan panas. Dan aku pun membiarkan kekosongan itu tak terisi, otak pun malas bekerja hari ini. Takpelah, biarlah dia berehat hahaha.

Sangatlah tidak produktif aaa tahniah lah. Lemau sungguh rasanya, sesungguhnya once Alex pulang ke pangkuan akan aku paksa beliau utk memaksaku bersukan BERSAMA-SAMA. Harap maklum, i need that :(

A little throwback from yesterday's journey. FUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. That is what i feel when i am now arrived utm hahaha. Still, Alex's place are sooooo nice, yelah ejek hutan belantara dan sebagainya pun i can't deny its a really nice town. But still, jalan ke sana sucks do hahahaha because i'm alone. That's it. If i'm with a friend rasanya excited kot. But i drive lagilah sucks semalam one of the reason why i takut sebenarnya. Nyaris nak kena langgar masa potong lori aaaaaaah seriously i won't potong lori anymore! Hateyou lori! XD

When I reached Alex's house I was like omg besarnya, omg where to park sebab jalan dia mcm tak nice bila kereta aku park sebijik kat tepi jalan. I'm afraid to be look as 'too obvious' hahahaha so i pusing and park kat depan jugak lah but membelakangi the house. Then i sense some motion inside the gate so i slowwwwwwwwly drive forward and parked a little bit far for lama jugaklah. Firasat aku betul, someone went out from the house, I was like omg nasib baik nasib baik nasib baik hahha. Told you I'm a scared-y cat.

Then everything is great. Tanak cerita because its just for me lalala. Ok i kinda forgot what story to tell ummmmmmmmm.

Yezza! Oso yesterday I got i-dont-want-to-go-back-without-you-syndrome. Kesian Alex. I don't know why I rasa tak berdaya gila semalam plus i never drive that looong alooonee without tidur dulu. So macam rasa lesu and memang kalau boleh i just wanna call uber hahaha. Nasib baik ada kebijaksanaan lagi haha.

But I honestly feel so weird. I mean hey amirah before this you memang always alone, pergi mana-mana sorang, merayau malam-malam sorang, tengok laut sorang, makan aiskrim sorang, you did MOST (apprx ALL) alone. Being left and terpaksa buat benda semua sendiri. Why are you being so helpless? Kenapa ni haha i literally naik angin with myself last night. Now, being alone is a strange thing for me, a strange feeling. I'm awkward when I'm alone. Yelah now still love hanging out with myself but sangat kurang. I love talking to ibu, i love talking to alex, i love talking to my classmates, i love talking to my ngs.

Dulu kalau cuti, i will be the last person yang balik rumah and the earliest person yang balik utm. Now not anymore. Is it a good thing? There is some fight in my kepala otak right now.

I really need to "record" this moment in my blog as it may be a turning point for me lol. I'm afraid I forgot all the changes through the years living my life because at the moment I believe it just too precious.

I am so bersyukur that I didn't live in that pathetic live anymore. I took the depression test agaaaaaain and i believe my depression dah berkurang at a so-so level. I honestly feel better with myself right now, I am comfortable an tak rasa macam fake it around. I cried a lot also, that is so weird of me. Even nampak view cantik pun i can cry macam hape entah. I knew myself even before sangat cepat triggered nak nangis but I have my own pride and ego so i usually ignored my cepat-tersentuh-sense -lol. But now, I am a rebel to my own self. I want to fight all the pride that makes me hide what kind of person I am. I want to show myself that it isn't bad by being myself and loving my nature character. Just that, only with Alex my true rainbow berani keluar. I bet dia mesti penat seeing air memancut from my eyes hahaha I wonder......

ummmm

Assalamualaikum & hi.

*kelip-kelip mata*

Menaip sambil menahan sakit kepala teramat kerana cuaca yang sahhngat panas harini & terpaksa menunggu di workshop hampir 2 jam. *mohonsimpatihehe

So far, life has been treating me good alhamdulillah walaupun kadangkala sepertinya udah tidak waras lol. Too many things yang berpusing-pusing dalam kepala otak, banyak sangat pilihan & keputusan yang memang dah beratur siap-siap tinggal aku nak jawab je.

Dan aku takde mood nak menjawab. Beta mohon maaf ya haha.

Sem ni okay for me & aku sendiri percaya, aku tahu apa sebabnya. Malahan aku gembira.

Aku tidak lagi mencuba sedaya upaya memuaskan hati semua orang, aku biar saja. Birthday kawan lama? Aku tak pernah lupa. Kewujudan manusia-manusia lama? Masih aku ingat. Tiada yang berbeza, semua sama. Cuma aku mahu sayang diri, penat berlari kehulu kehilir. Aku mahu buat apa yang aku mahu, & bersama dengan orang-orang yang ada "in the present-present tense".

Aku mahu shut it down sistem komunikasi berlebihan dan me-repair diri sendiri.

Most times, we are attracted to what gives us pain. Perasan tak?
Aku perasan :)

Dulu aku rasa bangga dengan kesakitan tu, sebab tu kira macam tanda aku dah contribute something, tanda yang aku pun sedih jugak tapi aku kuat, yes tu label aku ni kuat. Label yang paling penting untuk mempertahankan ego aku.

At the same time, meninggalkan ingatan sedih dan simpati kepada pihak-pihak yang terlibat. Memang suka bagi efek-efek sayu sikit. Aku memang jenis "biarlah aku mengundur diri", "aku tak nak menyakiti sesiapa", "mungkin aku bukan yang terbaik", "biarlah aku pergi kerna aku tak dapat membuat pilihan" eh lol.

Perangai.
Memang sejenis perangai aku.
Hanat betul.

So bila aku kena melepaskan, aku dilepaskan, aku dilupakan, aku jadi macam 'ha okay yelah, sedih teramat tapi takpe lepas ni okay dah'. Aku cuma bermasalah deal dengan diri aku je, aku dah takkan heret orang yang pergi tu. The idea of letting go ni sesuatu yang common & aku tahu in the end aku akan okay.

Now aku terfikir; aku ada pilihan yang lebih time tu. Kenapa pilih bersedih?
Oh sebab tanak, ada pihak lain terluka.
Sampai bila?
Kau bukan rampas hak orang.
Kau kesian.
Lalu kau korbankan kebahagiaan.
Tamatlah babak pertama.

LOL

Kita memang sangat cenderung kepada perkara yang menyakitkan kita; dalam pelbagai aspek. Sifat mengorbankan diri. Tak salah IF KENA PADA SITUASI. Ha seketul mira yang tengah pesan kepada diri sendiri.

Aku ubah mindset. Bagitahu diri sendiri "hey takpe, your own desire is takpe asalkan benda elok". Tak salah kadangkala ikut kata hati. Kalau itu adalah diri kau sendiri. Kenapa nak simpan identiti? Sampai bila nak pendam rasa hati? Semua orang layak bahagia, kalau minda dia pilih ikut kata hati yang dahaga kan bahagia.

& sekarang, aku bahagia. Takdelah hidup tu indah je semata. Just nicelah orang kata. Dihiasi efek-efek kejutan yang aku kena terima, aku kena hadap & aku kena buat sesuatu.

Macamni lah, aku suka tengok cerita korea. Selalu aku tertanya-tanya kepada hidup aku tak nice/terkejut/comel/disayangi macam dalam kdrama ya. Lol padahal hidup kita semua ni sebenarnya lagi gempak storyline dia cuma tak dibuat cerita je. (Macam merepek je kan aku ni tapi as peminat tegar kdrama, kau mesti faham apa yang aku rasa hahahahahahaha).

Macamana orang tu yang tak pernah tengok kdrama, ada sifat macam hero kdrama. Jagakan jalan kat highway untuk girlfriend dia, bagi jam dia on the spot kat girlfriend dia just in case gf dia rindu dia. All the simple things, sebabkan sayang, kita rasa benda tu besar, indah.

Kalau kau cari yang cantik,
Kau jumpa perempuan cantik.

Kalau kau cari yang ikhlas menyayangi kau,
Kau jumpa perempuan yang ikhlas sayang kau.

Jelaslah dengan apa yang kau cari
Wahai teman

Assalamualaikum and hi.

Salam gembira dan salam berada di rumah yeah yeah.

Salam makan sedap ibu masak.

Yesterday gerak sekali dengan Alex dari UTM saaaaaaaaaaampai Rawang. Happy tak terperi. Sebab mula-mula plan teman sampai Yong Peng je. Tak suka bila dia boleh sampai rumah dulu while mine jauh lagi nak sampai. Hahaha XD

Feel touched, blessed to always have you with me. Tak kisah la kita tengah gaduh ke marah ke tak puas hati ke, asalkan I know you always there with me. I still remember aku menangis kat atas highway masa balik utm awal tahun haritu, dia punya sedih tu tahap takkleh cakap apa dah, pegang stereng menggigil time tu. But yesterday I am so happy driving on the same road with an escort behind me hahahaha & I have no reason to be sad. Thanks for always jagakan right lane for me hahahaha. I menjerit-jerit dalam kereta sebab rasa best sangat hahahaha, sakai kan I. I know haha.

When I reached home, (again) feel blessed tengok my fam kat rumah. Elok, sihat, bahagia je semua. (again) feel touched, thanks Allah for taking care of my fam when I'm not around and for always taking care of Alex.

Semoga kalian juga dalam rahmat dan kasih sayangNya.
<3

Life is weird
And that is the beauty of living!

Tak semua yang kita rancang akan sentiasa menjadi.
Percaya, aturan Allah itu yang terbaik (fullstop). No compromise!
Tiada hujah yang boleh menandingi hikmah.

Percayalah kepada kepercayaan, erk?

Kat situlah terletaknya harapan. Manusia mana yang boleh hidup tanpa harapan?
Cara menaruh harapan yang paling mantap; berdoa :)

Hari ini tak pernah menjanjikan esok, sebagaimana semalam tidak menjanjikan hari ini.
Its looks macam randoms giles but actually it was planned by THE ONE WHO KNOWS IT ALL.

Siapalah kita untuk menyalahkan takdir. Telan dalam-dalam & life goes on.

Let say me myself la. I'm someone yang memang dah malas nak tunjuk yang i ambil tahu but deep inside God knows how I want this person to be fine. I don't adore him/her anymore but I will convince myself  'hey I want you to be happy' from far. Why use the word 'convince'?

Adalah. Hahaha.

Regret is something yang aku jarang-jarang iktiraf dalam kamus hidup aku lol. Tak kisah la perkataan nya atau pun rasanya sekali. Sebab aku jenis yang akan go sampai puas,sampai selagi boleh. Kalau nak suka tu, suka betul-betul, suka lagu dengar je playlist sama sampai setahun, replay je lagu sama 24 jam. Suka orang, suka betul-betul, bagitahu terus terang-terang, try sehabis baik, tunggu sehabis waktu. Orang tak suka balik? Orang reject? Ha yelah takpelah kalau macamtu, aku dah bagi sehabis habisnya aku so mungkin aku ni bukan yang kau nak sejak dari awal lagi. Cau dulu.

Easy liddat. Sounds easy *smirks*.

Kenapa analogi ni? Sebab senang nak kasi orang lain rasa apa yang aku rasa lol.

Tapi kau tahu apa?

Bila aku dah angkat kaki, aku memang siap basuh dengan dettol and clorox terus. Siap sekali kasi renjatan elektrik sampai aku lupa semua benda, semua rasa. Sebab tu dah tak rasa apa. I can fall in love very hard and hate passionately. In every aspects!

Someone told me; kau ni spesis setan bertopeng hello kitty, kan? LOL

Because I destroy people in the most beautiful way as possible.
I can't draw, can't create pretty handcraft but I do arts on people's memories.
 
Sooner or later I will make you die a little and a little more.
You will left with nothing
Then you will need to start again

I just wanna help you to grow up! *Alasan*

Pelik kan post kali ni, kejap aku suruh orang terima hakikat dan percaya pada ketentuan Tuhan tiba-tiba aku promote kebencian dan kegelapan haha.

It feels like I'm trapped in this "un-synchronized" body and soul. I got a portion of happy+clingy personality and always feels so gloomy inside. Erk.


Tapi tak kisah lah.
Bukan kau yang rasa huhu.
Malahan bukanlah diri kau.

Akhir kata, aku kembali kepada mode neutral;




Salam mencari & mengenal diri.
Salam kita stranger.

Selamat malam!

 

Nak senyum lebar-lebar boleh? Nak senyummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm je banyak-banyak.

:')

Dari dulu aku berpegang pada prinsip; love someone with the way he/she wanted/needed.

It is a side of a friend yang aku jarang tengok, kerna aku bukanlah sesiapa. Malahan, dia bukanlah seperti yang dulu denganku huuuuuuu.

Yang lepas tu, aku simpan sebagai kenangan yang paling merepek dan antara koleksi yang indah-indah dan sekali seumur hidup. Aku harap kau pun sama.


Aku pun bahagia dengan hidup aku sekarang.

Hi there.

I hope you are doing fine, wherever you are.

It's hard. It's unfair when you told me that I'm not giving you attention. It's not fair when you said that I macam tak kisah pasal you. My life are all revolving around you. Nak buat semua benda mesti dengan awak, bercerita at the end of the day dengan awak. If only you know that. I'm a clingy girlfriend, a spoil brat. I used to spam your whatsapp like there is no tomorrow. Tapi, i hate when you ignored it all and tiba-tiba "Salam". I looked stupid. You look matured.

But then, I told myself "hey dia kerjalah, dia penat tu jangan semakkan dia". So I stopped hovering over you macam budak kecik. Tried to be at your tahap 'serious and not to play around'.

I'm tired to explain. To force myself to communicate every time we have problem. I love to keep silent. Bila you marah, i will say something like "okay", "im sorry, i love you", "dah la tuh". Memanglah its not that easy to lepaskan org buat salah camtu je. Em yelah, betul lah tu.

If its not you, i dah mencarut dah bila marah-marah as i pun senang marah jugak.

Just the difference is, I am afraid of you. Just like how I am afraid of my father.

Right now I feel bad. I thought I've loved you hard enough but I guess I'm so wrong. You don't see my love. I did exactly nothing in my life for you. I feel horrible. I feel that I'm not enough. I got so many things to say but I don't think that I can save a relationship by defending myself.


I make some distance for me to hide from the painful truth.
I'm just not good for you.



.

I believe there will be a rainbow on the other side & I just need to keep it up and move forward, just like how I always do.

I am getting 21, does it looks like a routine? :')

The painful night had passed and I just want be fine for one more time.



& I surely will.

I want to make this entry extraaaaaa long.

But

I'm just happy, I'm happy to know you

Most of the time, kalau ada isu yang menarik and selalunya benda yang complicated macam random art ni I always terfikir "nanti tanya dialah", "cuba ckp dgn dia nanti". HAHAHA ITS FREAKING CREEPY TAPI ENTAHLAH KENAPA.

Just thanks my fairygodfather, always my lifesaver. When times are hard, you always there yes although you kuat mencarut lol haha.

It sad sebab you nak grad dah but its fine. I hope you happy kat luar sana. Just be happy, you deserve it. Its pretty alhamdulillah sebab I tak kenal you masa you tengah bersedih dulu hahaha. I just can't. It hurts me somehow.

Thank you bro. I owe you a lot. Semoga Allah membalas kebaikan you.

You know
There will be a point in your life
Where you are just tired hoping, waiting, caring, expecting, planning

"I don't really wanna care and I just want to live my life in my way"

There is so many words, language and song lyrics
I still can't relay the message that I would like to convey
Its not anyone fault
It just
Tasteless, bland;

That I just swayed the feeling
Most of the time

That is - an ignorant me
How i teach myself not to care
But i end up pretending to be so nice

Actually, deep inside
I felt nothing

Basically its my act of courtesy
Maybe

I guess I am not good enough to sum things and write up
I just write fantasies and nightmares
To feel alive

I hate love story

Assalamualaikum & hi agaaaaaaaaaaaaain like neveeeeeeeeer end.

From today and now on, I will update the progress of my skin hereeee in this blog. Why? I think I should lah, since dulu lagi sejak bertukar-tukar product ni. I toldya kalau aku boleh refund semua duit yang dah aku tabur on skincare & collagen drinks; aku boleh jadi kaya hahaha. Walhal, tidak juga cantiknya :')

So today is my day 3 pakai Royal Expert White, only sabun and lightening cream yang baru launch few days ago. And guess what, Alhamdulillah I can see some good changes on my face. Walaupun saya sangat teragak-agak apabila melihat cream nya yang weirdo! Swear, aku termenung selepas tengok rupa cream tu tempoh hari. I personally hateeeeeeeeee any cream/day cream yang tekstur dia keras. Serious aku jadi macam em hilang mood. But this one, not keras yang kesang, gersang tu. Its a balm-like texture. Dia kesat sikit hahaha. Awal-awal tak biasa, aku macam kekok sangat bila salat benda tu kat muka hahahaha. But still, its soft inside. Cuma payah sikit nak apply esp utk muka pores besar macam aku and now tengah kering bersisik ni.

Morever, there is no pimple anymore? yet? And area muka yang looks like sotong bakar tu dah reduced in colour, it still red but its fading slowly I can say. Sebelum ni merah nak warna maroon dah. And tempat yang macam terbakar ni is actually dekat area half inch bawah mata, atas pipi. Tekstur? Macam plastik. Rasa macam plastik,bunyi bila kau gosok/pegang dia pun macam plastik. Idk how many mercury/hydroqunoin yang dah mendap dalam tu. Other than that is fine just parut & hyper pigmentation; kesan daripada breakout haritu.

Now the 'plastic area' not really feels like plastic, alhamdulillah. It feels ada satu layer on top of it. It still kasar, kesat but getting much better. Just need to keep hydrated, bersabar and chill. I just don't want to buy anything else hahaha, I need to see how REW works on my skin.

What happen to myself actually? Few months ago, I tried Tati Skincare, banyak kali dengar dah lama dengar but entah tak berminat. Then my babes kat UTM pakai and I can seeeeee how much she changed. Reaaaaaaaaaaaally pretty. I just can't resist. So I pun beli, I pakai and taraaaaaaaaa I become quite pretty, licin sia muka, glowing gituh. After lebih sikit from separuh guna produk tu, kita dikejutkan dengan berita & laporan pasal night and treatment cream dia yang tak lulus KKM. Its mercury and hydroqunoin. When I read about these two wow, anak boleh cacat, you can get cancer and so on. Its crazy. But then I'm willing yet to stop sebab I know the consequences.

I pernah terlupa pakai night and treatment cream sebab busy dengan program, penat and blabla. My face breakout really bad. 2 hari stop terus jahanam muka. So i patuh & disiplin, because I'm afraid. Then I stop pakai really slowly sebab kesedaran kesihatan tu memuncak time tu. And yes, as expected I breakout dengan sangat teruk, esp during FESK058. But I still pakai night and treatment cream sbb tu kan time program besar, nak jumpa orang semua, I need to spare some confident.

After FESKO aku terus buang Tati and I ordered Amour Skincare, still yet a local product. Stupid me. And supriseeeee, night and treatment cream dia sebijik macam Tati, warna, tekstur & kesan. Wow. But time tu aku penat dah, aku pakai jelah. Yes cantik! Bila baca testimoni bodoh dia tu cakap pasal bekas pengguna tati yang telah breakout now dah cantik balik blabla, bila stop pakai tak breakout pun blablabla.

Nak jadi cerita, my night cream habis tak lebih kurang sebulan pakai, day cream banyak lagi, treatment pun. So aku stop pakai, wohaa breakout sebijik like Tati. I don't know why takde orang complain about this product yet. Bekas pengguna Tati takkan tak perasan?

[gonna cont in part 2]

Hi Assalamualaikum.

Good day everyone.

I just nak berleter about my selera makan omg :(

Guess what, I'm really into nasi. For no reasons at all. I just love rice and I might berkahwin dengan beras jika dia boleh berubah bentuk menjadi manusia hahaha. It scares me. For now, I eat nasi daily 3/4 times setiap hari kot IN A BIG PORTION (usually in utm, kalau makan nasi kat luar selalunya makan tak habis pun lalala). I don't know why, dalam banyak-banyak makanan I will surely cari nasi. Then I felt really unhealthy, badan rasa berat and so on. I tried untuk amik nasi dalam portion yang kecik since banyak kali makan nasi, but I always ended up menjumpai diriku di kabinet dapur seang membuka periuk nasi untuk tambah nasi. Heyyyy what is thissssss.

Macam now, the moment I write this entry is about 3.03 pm. The last time I ate nasi is around 12 noon. I am so hungry right now huwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. 2 3 kali ulang alik ke dapur sebab terpedaya dengan tipu daya nasi. Plus I am eating beras biasa yang berkanji tu, so I couldn't imagine how much sugar I consume everyday. Tak campur air manis, air milo, sweets and all. So for now, I am eating sour ribbons and cottage fries (lol). So tomorrow I might going out to Tesco to buy fruits. Need to find healthier snacks, seriously and being strict with nasi consumed.

Tomorrow mission; fruitiful fruit, dont forget isi minyak, mihun yang ibu suruh beli tadi, why-not-cheat-day takoyaki and coolblog.

Haih diri sendiri, sesungguhnya kamu sangat degil. Kbye

Hi hi
Assalamualaikum
Anneyong

Saya masih menganggur tapi saya tidaklah terbongkang di tengah rumah. Tapi tapi, saya memang melebih-lebih tidurnya. Tak apalah, bukan selalu. Eh?

Life is doing good alhamdulillah. Takdelah good mana actually tapi alhamdulillah sangat sangat sangat, family is doing really well. So I'm a happy girl!

Other than that, i wannaaaaaaaa say syukur sangat that i was given the opportunity to meet this one wonderful soul; hi Alex Iskandar. I was fortunate enough to meet you in the middle of EVERYTHING. The EVERYTHING macam paused kejap when he came. Slow but heavy enough, the flow lah i mean hahahaha. None of us ever expected this, apatah lagi orang lain. When come to think about it, kelakar pun ada. How we tried to not talk about this. How we running away from all the people. How we ended up to be here, what we are now.

I'd still remember first time keluar berdua dengan alex i think few weeks kot before fesko, i was in the middle of hectic serabut teramat buat kerja and need a short getaway. Dahlah tak kenal sangat pun time tu, i was like "ah bantai jelah, dia okay je kot". Dahlah dia amik kat blok, supposedly pergi asing2 lah kan hahaha. Masa turun tangga nak ke kereta "betul ke keputusan aku ni", "ke dia penculik", "gila what dia ajak kau pi teman dia makan", "kau ingat kau sape", "dalam kereta nak cakap apa".

On the way nk turun tu dah cukup stress dah. Nampak dia cool gila, no i mean acah cool wearing short jeans and yelah merokok sebab tu acah cool hahaha. Sembang biasa2 tak pernah, whatsapp adalah sekali sekala tiba- tiba lepak berdua. Woha! Taubat betul fikir time tu, why suka buat benda tak fikir panjang. Hahahaha.

Alex is amazing, wonderful! I couldn't ask for more. I am the happiest girl alive.

Love yourself first
Love yourself first
Love yourself first,
At very first place.

it just me forcing myself to always remember that i really need to love myself before anyone else because no one will. No one is willing to stay. They departed.

Leaving me broken
Completely broken
Inside and outside

Its not easy, I'm telling you. I had to learn how to love myself, how to love my riddles when I speak, how to love my short legs, how to deal with my own silly-self, how to control my nervous, how to love my tired eyes. I had to do everything on my own, with my own tears in one shot. All for one. Because its going to be once. Once in a lifetime; for someone who isn't worth the fight. For someone who don't know his place, for someone who don't realize how hard I tried, for someone for can't see the magic that I brought, for someone who easily walk away.

I won't forgive you. For all the hurting words and acts. Live like that. Die in vain.

My mother accused me for easily fallen for guys, for opening my door to many people, for hanging out with many guys. They judge my social life.

Wow.

They just didn't know. They don't know the struggles, sitting alone in a lonely, pretty but sad room. My 4-am thoughts, so many papers have been wasted writing all the things I want to do, I want to say; but I don't.

I won't tell them. Because they don't deserve to know.

..................................................................................................

Sincerity is something I've been looking for in a crowded room full of bones and soul. I started to tell lie once I got scolded for an honesty that I poured. Don't blame me for you to hate the truth.

....................................................................................................

-You will not heal by going back to what broke you.

Alhamdulillah, syukur syukur dan syukur atas kesempatan yang diberi Tuhan untuk masih bernafas dan mencipta kenangan dalam menuju pengakhiran yang pasti.

Alhamdulillah semuanya baik-baik sahaja. Tak semuanya indah tapi semua yang hadir membawa banyak hikmah. Nikmat yang tak terkata. Ajaibnya kasih sayang, sangat-sangat hebat. Tenang dan memberi pemahaman yang sangat abstrak, tanpa perlu kau cerita. Seperti aku yang menyimpan sendiri. Aku tak perlu explain panjang lebar, kalau kau peduli, kalau kau cuma berfikir pasti kau akan faham.

Aku okay tapi malas buka mulut. Tak semua ikhlas mendengar kisah-kisah cliche atau mungkin kisah-kisah sedih luar biasa aku. Kadangkala aku terluahkan juga, sesak dada menahan rasa sendirian. Bila bahu aku rasa berat, mulalah air mata pun berjurai. Macam pondan pun ada hahaha. Kenapa diam?

Kau tahu tak ada masa-masanya yang manusia insekiyo seperti aku membuka cerita, bukan untuk di-scoffed kan, bukan untuk dibidas selaju  kelajuan cahaya, bukan untuk di-judge, bukan untuk dipersoalkan, bukan untuk kau bukak gebang pasal kau mengalami situasi yang sama dahulu kala. Aku cuma mahu kau dengar, amati, pandang tepat ke mata, usap perlahan bahu. "Takpe amirah, everything will get better".

Selepas aku keluar dari zone permasalahan, barulah kau bukak table. Aku pun akan rasa yang aku boleh terima perlahan-lahan. Aku boleh disembur, dihambur. Tapi lepas tu akan diam. Aku akan membataskan diri aku untuk mengekspresikan segala rasa dan segala isi jiwa.

Manusia harini terlalu suka membangkang, membidas, mengenepikan bulat-bulat. Membunuh sepi segala impian dan harapan. Berkecai. Kemudian kau kata melayu ini pessimis? Nak aku mencarut ke duhai teman seperjuangan?

Kau musnahkan dasar perjuangan dia? Ranapkan segala plan yang dia rancang.

Kau harus tahu, tak semua hati itu sudah cukup kuat menahan tekanan dan tempias. Kau harus tahu hati-hati ini sememangnya rapuh.

Dan kau harus tahu
Satu perkataan yang keluar dari mulut puaka kau mampu memberi impak yang sangat puaka kepada sesetengah roh.

"Kau nak tahu tak kat mana kau silap?"

"Semua yang kau kata tu semua salah, sebab tu kau jauh di bawah"

 "Bukan macamtu weh. Salah tu"

Kau tanya dia soalan-soalan yang memperlekeh persepsi dia. Kau buat dia nampak bodoh.

Aku nak tanya boleh?


Kau tuhan ke? Bijak sangat ke kau? Bagus sangat ke kau?
Kau fikir kau siapa?
Manusia terus menerus bersifat langit
Kepala sentiasa mendongak
Siapalah aku untuk menghakimi
Melalui tulisan seperti pula aku ingin menjadi tuhan

Aku juga mengingatkan diri sendiri
Aku sangat tidak sempurna

Aku juga mengingatkan yang lain
Beri masa
Buka ruang
Jangan terus serbu menerjah
Memangkah pandangan

Kau harus dewasa mengenal erti persepsi
Kau harus matang dalam memahami
Bahawa kehidupan kita semua tak sama
Kisah silam kita berbeza

Latar belakang, situasi kita suatu kita dahulu yang mencorakkan pemikiran dan rasa. Kau tak tahu apa-apa tentang itu. Tentang pahitnya apa yang telah dia rasa, membawa dia kepada konklusi dan persepsi yang untuk kau, salah.

Sekali lagi,
Bagi masa,
Buka ruang.

Kemudian giliran kau pula menghulur bantuan.

Life is like 'we're doing great but "poofff" & everything is gone'.

Analogy;

Sepasang husband-wife yang masih muda, tiada masalah rumahtangga rumit, hidupnya senang, mempunyai seorang anak perempuan yang berumur 3 tahun. Umur 3 tahun, lincah, petah dan pelat ketika berbicara; almaklumlah masih di peringkat umur baru pandai bercakap.

Tanpa perlu deskripsi mendalam, aku boleh bayangkan keluarga yang saling menyayangi dan tinggi nilainya pada zaman perpecahan ni.

Long story short; pada satu petang yang indah, daun-daun maple berguguran, daffodil di perbukitan kembang mekar kekuningan. Sinar matahari yang memancar terang dan cerah. Langit biru diselangi tompokan awan marshmellow putih gebu. Segala yang kuning, terang kuningnya, segala yang biru, damai birunya dan segala yang hijau, segar hijaunya.

Indah. Sukar aku paksa-gambarkan keindahan yang aku lihat dari mata, anugerah dari pencipta untuk aku terjemah dalam sastera dan bahasa. Petang itu, si suami menghantar isteri dan anaknya di rumah sahabat isterinya untuk parti hari jadi. Suami pulang ke rumah semula, mengemas bilik-bilik dan dapur; tanpa diketahui mengapa. Terasa hendak buat. Tiba-tiba mahu beri hadiah kepada isteri tersayang.

Ditaburnya kelopak ros putih di atas katil bersama satu warkah cinta. Diselitnya gambar pernikahan. Tergambar satu kepuasan di wajah. Mungkin setelah lama asyik sibuk dengan kerja, harini biar dia tebus segala rindu dan kasih buat si isteri. Setelah mendapat panggilan telefon dari isteri, si suami bergegas ke kereta untuk mengambil isterinya. Jaraknya hanya lah dalam 10 minit sahaja tapi kereta dipandu cermat, biar lambat asalkan segalanya selamat. Dapatlah nanti berjumpa cinta hati.

Sampai sudah si suami ke tempat yang mahu dituju, kelihatan anak dan isteri sedang melambai-lambai dengan senyuman. Isterinya melepaskan si anak dari dukungan, mahu bersalaman dengan tuan rumah dan tetamu yang ada sebelum beredar. Dia mahu pulang cepat, kembali ke pangkuan suami. Anaknya sudah jauh dari pandangan mata, dia terleka.

Si anak yang masih kecil, tidak memahami, tidak mengetahui. Adrenalinnya mengalir laju, terlalu gembira melihat ayahnya berada di hadapan matanya. Dia tidak sabar mahu menyeberang jalan, mahu hilangkan rindu yang bersarang walaupun seketika. Anak kecil.

Dia menoleh ke belakang melihat ibunya sudah mahu beredar, dia mahu sampai ke pangkuan ayahnya dahulu. Dia terus berlari dengan langkah kecilnya tetapi laju menyeberang jalan tanpa melihat kiri dan kanan;

"Sayang, kalau nak lintas jalan, ayah pesan apa?"

"Pandang kiri satu kali, dua kali, pandang kanan satu kali, dua kali"

Dari kiri, kelihatan sebuah kereta Alphard warna hitam melulu laju ke arah sang anak. Si ayah yang tadi tersenyum lebar membuka pintu kereta menyambut dakapan anak gadisnya terus pucat, terasa darah seperti tidak mengalir. Dia terus berlari ke arah anaknya dan menariknya ke dalam pelukannya; dia tahu dia tidak akan sempat untuk mengelak dari kereta tersebut, dia juga tahu dia tidak punya masa yang cukup untuk menolak anaknya ketepi.

Terus, sang ayah dirempuh dari belakang sambil memeluk erat anak perempuannya, yang tidak mengetahui apa-apa. Bunyi hon yang sangat kuat, bergema di taman perumahan tersebut, kendengaran suara jiran-jiran berdekatan menjerit kengerian. Darah terhambur di atas jalan tar, gelap warnanya, pekat. Kedua-dua mati di tempat kejadian.

Si isteri yang terkejut menoleh ke belakang, seakan tidak percaya. Dia terus meraung.
.........................................................


Si isteri menyesali tindakannya yang terleka.
Si suami menyesali tindakannya yang lambat untuk menyelamatkan si anak.
Si suami menyesali tindakannya yang membuatkan isterinya yang tercinta kini tinggal keseorangan, kesedihan, kesunyian, kehilangan anak dan suami.

"Aku tahu, kemungkinan yang sangat besar aku tak dapat selamatkan Amanda, tapi aku tetap berlari ke arahnya. Andai saja, aku tidak lari pasti aku dapat bersama isteriku, menenangkan hatinya yang sedih menggila kerana kehilangan anak kesayangannya"

Apa jua penyesalan tiada gunanya lagi, aku sangat percaya orang pada nafas terakhirnya ada satu "last-thought". Yang pergi tetap pergi. Yang hidup perlu terus hidup. Hidup sememangnya satu perjuangan.

Aku memandang kehidupan dengan sudut yang begini. Kerana kompleks untuk aku faham "apa yang orang akan buat bila sesuatu waktu tu sampai". Kadang-kadang kita dah buat yang terbaik, segala-galanya perfect tapi bila benda tu dah jadi, ia tetap dah pun jadi.

Kita tak mampu berbuat apa lagi, selain redha.
Sebab yang pergi akan tetap pergi, tak kembali.
Waktu yang beredar takkan dapat dikembali.
Kenangan dan memori jadi pengubat rindu di hati.

Al-Fatihah buat diri sendiri, salam ramadhan Kareem.

As I was scrolling twitter just now, there is one quote yg wow

"A woman can't change a man because she loves him, but a man can change himself because he loves her"- Gentleman

Entahlah, i am not reminiscing on those past of mine but to think that how crazy am i rasa mcm i boleh ubah someone dulu, how berusahanya cari idea and jalan to change him so that he could get better in every way; is a big wowow.

But, he just did not want. He ignored. Because he doesn't love me enough as I do.

Padahal itu semua untuk dia jugak, bukan orang lain. If breakup pun, advantages is still all yours. What is there to lose?

Effort? Sometimes it ridiculous but logically he just never be in love and that is why. Culture shock i must say.

Today, God give me someone who unconditionally want to change himself tanpa perlu paksa, tanpa perlu big fuss. I am so blessed. I am so blessed and thankful for having this one man yang i think really LOVES .... He think in so many aspect, he think of himself, his life and at last he think of me. It just beautiful, as it is.

I don't know what to expect in future, things might can change in few milliseconds. I can lose him anytime and everywhere but I hope we can do this better. We learnt a lot just to get all the way here. May this will be the last stop that we have in each of our love story.

Thankyou orang disana! But I AM HUNGRY RN! Stop la kejap buat report huaaaa.

Hi imissyou my blog huuuu.

Banyakkkk benda nak cerita sebab takut lupa, takut hilang rasa. Tapi takpe, tu boleh nanti update kat wixx.

Cuma few highlights;

Takpe. Berdoa, berusaha dan bersabar. Sabar tu kena paling baaaaaaaaaanyak.

Lepas tu, tak susah pun nak buat aku blah dari hidup anyone. Kau boleh tolak banyak-banyak and aku still gagah berdiri kat depan kau. Tapi, sekali je kau layan aku macam sampah, tu dah cukup. Sangat cukup untuk aku sedar siapa aku and bawak diri aku ke tempat pelupusan sampah, okay?

Jangan marah. Always jadi air yang menyejukkan semua oraaaaaaaaaaang.

Sayang diri sendiri banyak-banyak walaupun bunyi mcm impossible. Ok memang impossible pun tapi ah takpelah.

Betapa hidup ni banyak rahsia yang diri kita sendiri tak boleh rungkai, tak boleh faham. Sayang hidup, sayang. Hidup tapi rasa mati. Banyaknya perkara yang aku missed-out tapi takpe perlahan merangkak ke dalam komuniti sosial, oh gembira.

Sejenis struggle yang orang lain takkan faham & takkan cuba faham. Segala tenaga dan aura positif semua dah habis, ditelan oksigen-oksigen yang aku cilok masuk dalam paru-paru. I'm left with nothing. Segala optimist energy dah habis, dah takde. Aku tinggal kosong. Ditinggal kosong.

Motivasi jatuh bergolek-golek. Sepi. Bantuan sokongan dah habis. Tinggal lagi aku. Sorang. What an everything-goes-wrong semester. Dahla kena tinggal tanpa reason kukuh, pastu kena tinggal demi kena tinggal. Eh watak apa ni, dah la orang tak suka, problematic as ever, careless,tak boleh stop jadi loser ke amirah? -amirahygbermasalah

Somedays I'm nice
Somedays I can be a bitch.

Your true colour is not something that you can dance in front of the world; pearls should remain hidden. It's like putting up an innocent face and swear someone in your heart. Honestly, I wanna see you be brave!

How to make your blog less-pathetic, less-sad and less-lonely? Fuck you.

Oh so this is how it feels when you're dealing with a no-good-you? Camni rasa demam sorang-sorang hahahaha. Oh tak biasa la pulak! *cringe*

12hrs++ sleep gila that so not me, okay. From petang tak tutup tingkap, berapa banyak dah setan masuk bilik masa maghrib semalam hekhek. Bila bangun rasa mcm; kau manusia tak berguna haha, kerja banyak awat tak bangun. Pastu kan nak pinjam kereta hahaha.

TODAY IS MY PRODUCTIVE DAY, JANJI TAU.


#tak, takleh lepak do dengan budak gif. (Thankstoyou)-bermasalah.

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepie. Got present; class inovasi cancel. Tak, tanak fikir apa-apa pasal projek. Khidmat komuniti pun orang lain tolong fikir kan boleh? Mestilah boleh, tidur before meeting dan terjaga pukul 3 pagi. Kasihan kalian. Sorryla, takde member nak kejutkan.

So so so harini excited sikit sebab eh lalu dataran dan eh eh. Dari jauh nampak helmet and beg cukup dah, ok as usual orang belakang di belakang orang belakang. Hebat! Performlah seperti selalu dan hiduplah dengan matlamat yang tinggi. Anugerah Naib Canselor in shaa Allah :)

Pastu kereta AKD dah lama tak nampak, hope semua kat sana okay. Kat Instagram nampak bahagia, ok cool. Bagusnyaaaaa. JJ pun kata dia okay, dia faham.

Bagusnya semua orang.

Baguslah semuanya bagus-bagus

You know, at the same spot;
The scar remains
Even nobody is there

Dia punya stress sampai rasa macam nak nangis

Tak, tak pelik
Irony.

Harini baru hari isnin haha. Baru diambang derita tau wahai Amirah. Semua benda tak settle lagi ni. Masalah-masalah yang tak perlu pun nak sumbat-sumbat masuk.

Aku cuma kena tahan sampai
Habis program.

Lepas tu aku nak duduk diam-diam, aku tanak jumpa sape-sape haha. Pergi mampus la apa pun. Sekali je, cukup sekali kau buat camtu. Aku memang pergi jauh-jauh. Aku tak marah dengan sesiapa. Kalau aku marah orang lain takpe, ni aku rasa nak marah gila dengan diri sendiri.

Kenapalah percaya semua orang. Orang tanak pun engko, setakat buat teman kejap-kejap boleh la. Harini kau teman dia, esok member tu teman dia, lusa dia duduk sorang.



Kawan?

Temporary attachment.
Semua orang sama je, aku pun.

Yet, it's a risk that I personally up to take.

Pastu padan muka diri sendiri and as expected. All of you are from the same tree, branch-to-branch. But I was happy. The preparation and the excitement is just crazy, God know why hehe.

I would like to save all the beautiful and silent moment, where we breathe awkward smoke together and me standing stone instead of standing still. No matter what happen later, I tend to just remember just the sweet little things and be fine.

Lives are connected in continuous spectrum and may our path cross again one fine day, when everything falls into the right pieces of puzzles and we're happy.

tarik nafas perlahan
pejam mata.

tarik dalam hingga ke hujung
hujung nyawa.

jangan mengeluh, tenang. diam. okay, dah okay.

boleh heart attack kalau setiap hari ada kejutan
 orang sekeliling bahaya.

kau diam, dorang suruh bersuara
 kau bercakap, orang kata "kau ingat kau power".

"macam kau ada apa-apa pulak". aku nak bercerita je gila.

susah hidup dengan manusia ni, kan?

Dulu aku pernah cakap
Aku akan bahagia bila tengok kau bahagia

Aku nak tengok kau bahagia
& itulah punca kebahagiaan aku

Tapi kenapa aku tak bahagia bila aku tahu yang kau dah bahagia
Kenapa aku rasa nafas aku tersekat bila aku nampak kau bahagia
Kenapa sakit tu sama je bila kau pamerkan kebahagiaan kau
Dan kau betul-betul bahagia sekarang

Aku rasa kecik sangat
Sebab aku takde masa kau bahagia

Aku rasa janggal sangat
Sebab kau bahagia tanpa aku

Aku nak selalu ada dengan kau, susah senang ribut taufan.

Kenapa kau boleh okay dengan semua ni?
Memang ni ke yang kau nak?

Setahun tu setahun yang sia-sia ke?
Kau memang lupa terus ke?
Kalau kau buat semua benda yang kita buat dulu dengan orang lain or sorang-sorang, kau okay ke?
Kau tak ingat aku ke?

...

Aku kot yang tak sudah menipu diri sendiri
Aku cakap yang aku dah okay
Aku declare yang aku okay
Tapi bila benda kat depan mata
Aku rasa hilang
Ada benda dalam aku yang hilang

& benda tu ada kat kau.
Aku tahu
& selama hari ni memang
Aku tahu

Aku hidup dalam penipuan sendiri
Harini baru aku dapat tahu

Aku tak okay
Harini baru aku sedar

Aku betul-betul nak rasa bahagia bila kau gembira.
& aku tahu aku perlu betul-betul melepaskan
Seikhlas hati, meredha sepenuh jiwa

Aku akan lepaskan genggaman yang sakit ni, lihat diri sendiri jatuh dalam gaung paling dalam paling gelap. Biar aku cari kepingan diri aku, biar aku susun matlamat hidup aku sorang-sorang.

Aku janji aku takkan berharap lagi. Aku janji mata aku tak berkaca lagi bila tengok kau bahagia.
Sebab
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Aku betul-betul sayangkan kau.

Bismillah

I think I'm doing fine, jadi sponge absorb everything. Even though rasa dah berat tapi anggap jelah macam hukuman dan yeh padan muka and takpe.

So basically everything is going good and gonna be fine (hurk). My timing is ok by timid. I take time, I susun langkah, aku bersihkan jalan supaya senang orang nak lalu. Supaya tenang orang yang lalu. Tapi timing kita mana lah nak sama dengan timing orang lain. Minda complicated terulung ni bukan semua orang reti nak faham. They wanna rush things, so they think in rush.

In the end, nothing lasts forever.

For the last few months I learned to be wise, I learned not to force things up, I learn to observe and feel the moment. I'm immature yeyeye then what? Semua manusia, dan aku pun tak terkecuali; membuat setiap perkara/perlakuan dengan signifikan tersendiri. Seburuk perangai pun, benda yang kau buat, keputusan yang kau pilih; bersebab.

Tapi sebab ada orang lain yang lagi hebat & lagi betul; sebab-sebab kau tu dia twist jadi alasan. '

Because I talked too much
Because I showed too much

Ubah diri, keluar dari bulatan?
Forget the insecurity boundary?
Put your trust on another level?

Bullshits.

Crappy bullshit nonsense things that people wrote on books.

Just to give you a false hope.
In real life, it won't happen to just anyone.
It's good if you're lucky enough.

My dear self is paling teruk seteruk teruknya
Once i showed with the real me
People left.
Camtu je.

What the fuck insecurity boundary?

It's great to tell somebody about your plan, about the day.
& it's all gone to waste within a minute.

Macam orang bodoh
Eh why la percaya orang cepat sangat?

Orang yang kau kenal, share semua benda hampir setahun pun blah bodo-bodo camtu je
Ni orang yang kau baru kenal 2 bulan?
Everyone knows you are stupid at the first place
But you never learned

You know, I'm having a very hard time. My life are now in rush but my eyes relaxed every time I saw you in front of my door.  You are a miracle yang Allah hantar to fix the broken me. Tapi, I don't believe in me yet. I'm afraid.

Saya tak berani berharap.
Because none of anything would ever worth the risk.

I hope, Allah make it clear for us, for me and for you & I will be on my way to believe you.




I was enchanted to meet you

Works are okay but not that fine. I'm in rush and most of the time, I'm scared. I did ask few foolish question which I regretted then. I show my clumsiness & flaws already.

I'm happy to start everything over, Aluq and Imran is just very nice & AWESOME. They're busy people but they're really helpful. Although Imran is reaaaaaaaaaaally busy these days, I feel bad for burdening him all the time. But it just nice to have him around. Because he's a nice person & make people feel safe since he is #MRKNOWITALL haha. I wonder how amazing their life is. Eh, did busy people have conflict with their hearts and feeling? Because I don't think so :). Everyone in the team are just too good to be with.

& mira is simply happy yahuu!

I've promised myself to get busy all the time, get tired all the time. So that I won't have enough time to think about you, and I almost do. My life are doing great at this moment, I'm happy to hang around with new friends. I'm sure to love myself good enough, I love my own nature character although you don't like it.

                & I hope you too.

I had an amazing evening. Thanks to someone.

I'm so excited bila awak ajak keluar. I'm so happy sampai rasa macam nak menangis. Because I thought I will never see you again. I'm quite nervous walking through the stairs. I somehow forgot your face, your scent, your smile. I'm flustered to see you again. Still handsome & tall, I might fall for you again if I had the chance to repeat everything from the start.

I'm so happy but then I know it gonna end soon. Very soon. So I take care of my heart a lot today. I avoid looking into your eyes, less talk, less smile. I controlled myself.

I wish the meeting was much longer so we could just sit together and enjoy the company. I wish to see you again tonight, tomorrow & everyday. I wish we could go for grocery shopping, explore foods around JB; just like how we used to do.

But I know, things are not the same anymore.

It's my greed. I want you more. I want to see you more. I want to smile more in front of you. I always wanted more second for us to be together. A year is not enough because I miss you so bad. I'm happy to see your car. I wished we don't broke up. But it just a mindless wish.

I'm greedy person. That's why you leave me. I know.
Honestly, I wished the time would stop when we were together.

Thank you awaaaaaaak.

I wish you happiness, forever.

Menjadi perlarian di tanah sendiri
Menjadi kedana di laman sendiri
Menjadi rakyat yang miskin
Hidup melarat di rumah sendiri

Gempita suara memecah hening
Sorakan, teriakan menerjah telinga
Di tanah yang kaya kulihat tandus
Di era kemajuan kulihat remaja buta

Mungkin itu kebahagiaan yang kau mahukan
Sepi, diam dan halus tenunan kasih
Berbisik-bisik setiap patah bicara
Seperti sahaja menunggu hari dan masa
Berbalas kiriman surat 274km

Mungkin aku terlalu bising
Riuh aku membawa kelemasan
Ketaksempurnaan aku
Melumpuhkan cinta & rasa

Rapi sungguh ego disisip
Tenang kau mengatur langkah
Seperti aku tak pernah wujud
Hebat aturan hidupmu

Jelas sekali
Aku tiada dalam fikiran
Watak aku sperti di angin lalu
Aku datang menemani sunyi
Kau biar aku sendiri
Menyulam sunyi sendiri

Bila ditanyakan keberadaan aku
.
.
Kau terus tenang dlm kepura-puraan
Jernih air turun dari kelopak mata

Kau biarkan aku hanyut dlm arus deras
Yang kau cipta tanpa sebab nyata

Kau bilang pd mereka, aku hilang.

Hai

Sang perindu yang tabah dan masih tegar menahan rasa, aku tahu kau sudah mengecap bahagia. Eee bestnya! Instead of being jealous, aku gembira. Sumpah!

Aku tenang melihat kau gembira & kau ada tempat utk meluahkan. Hari-hari aku, indah mana pun masih tak aman bila mengenang muka suram kau yang memang tak kena dengan suara ceria kau. Ke mana kau pergi, apa kau buat, aku still nampak awan suram bersama rintik-rintik halus yang meneduhi kau.

Aku dah lama tak jumpa kau, aku tak tahu apa gambaran yang aku dapat terjemah dari luaran indah kau hikhik. Emm boleh aku mengadu?

Aku maybbbbeee tersilap. Tapi aku tak menyesal, sbb kisah kita memang pendek je. Sebab sayang kau melepaskan & sebab sayang yang sama, aku teruskan langkah walaupun aku tahu dihadapan aku ada jurang. Aku tak patah balik carik kau masa aku tersedar, sbb aku rasa cerita kita mmg patut habis kat situ je. Aku tahu kau pun rasa macamtu kan? Bila aku ingat kita; aku boleh lupa kejap luka-luka ni sbb aku rasa macam aku dah selamatkan kau HAHAHA wek. Aku jaga kau mcm kau jaga aku; DULU.

Dah lebih setahun dah sejak kita 1st jumpa. Maybe kau dah tak rasa apa2 bila ternampak aku. Tapi takpe, its okay. Aku still ingat. Atas baaaaaaaaaaaaaaanyak sebab. & maybe sebab hati merasa bahagia. Hati bukan otak. Hati bukan mengingat, menghafal. Tapi dia terasa dengan kehadiran kau. Sejak mata aku terlihat kau & setiap kali mata aku melihat kau; detak hati ni ada irama yang tersendiri, so dia automatic teringat rasa tu. So bukanlah salah aku tau hahahaha.

Teruskan berbahagia & teruslah berjaya mencapai cita-citamu dunia akhirat. Maybe kat sini kita takde jodoh, tempat lain maybe ada hahahahhaha. Mungkin cinta kita abadi disana HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA.

Sebab kita tak tahu apa yang Dia rancangkan utk kita :)

Sedalam-dalam jiwa
Berparut sepinya luka
Tenang menahan rasa
Gerimis petang,
Bawa duka.

Payah seorang memendam
Bibir tutup dikatup diam
Langit cerah terlihat suram
Terbang dlm pekat malam.